Friday, August 27, 2010

Tearing Down the Wall

Now Jericho was tightly shut because the sons of Israel; no one went out and no one came in. Joshua 6:1

Most of the time the things I write about on this blog are things the Lord has already brought me through. The lessons learned from a particular trial and the healing that is possible when we trust Him. Today is a different post. This post is fueled by raw emotion as I try and sort out all my hidden insecurities that go along with this season of childrearing. Raising three soon to be four girls, all the while trying MY best to be the wife, friend, daughter, Bible study leader, the Lord has created me to be. I've seen the ugly truth that the harder I try to do all this in my own strength the more I seem to fail. These difficult seasons continue to show me my dependence on Him and the importance of taking hold of His grace in my weakness.

Have you ever felt like giving up? Let me be clear when I say I'm not talking about walking away per se but erecting a wall around your heart? Erecting a tall wall as to not feel the sting of pain and rejection. Erecting a wall to keep from feeling failure as once again your six year refuses to listen and simply obey. Erecting a wall around your heart as your husband comes home once again to a dirty house and the kids fighting over who had what first and who is leaving who out. All the while, struggling with just enough energy to get through the rest of the day. Struggling to put on foot in front of the other and walk out the calling He has for you. Erecting a wall so you will not feel the pain of loss or the emotion of sadness as your child chooses to walk away from you in your moments of weakness and despair. As your husband is too busy to listen to the not so importance details of your day but somehow the mundane events seem to be all there is left to talk about.
These are just some examples of how and why we erect walls around our heart. But the Lord has revealed that our insecurities are deeply rooted in fear and fear sets itself up against Faith. Why are you afraid? What is it that you fear? These two questions kept running around in my mind as I laid awake and because I couldn't shake them, I assumed it was the Lord asking me to take inventory of what was taking place within my heart. Sometimes, we forget that the Lord knows us intimately and completely so we must assume when He asks us a question it is for our benefit. He desires to reveal the lie that we have brought into and set us free from our misconceptions. So I thought about it and asked Him for His wisdom. Already knowing I struggle with the fear of pain, I thought deeper to the root of all my insecurities and fears and it came to me, I fear myself without Him. I have brought into the lie that if I continued to mess up He was going to walk away and leave me to myself to teach me some divine lesson and I was one mistake away from Him leaving me to my own devices.
The Spirit He gave me is the exact representation of Himself and yet I was questioning His unconditional love and acceptance by buying into this lie in my heart. I stress in my heart for my mouth would never claim the above lie as truth but my actions and insecurities indicated that my heart believed this lie. I also somehow brought into the lie that all of this (child rearing, marriage, friendships, family) was up to me to do in my own strength and all the things coming my way was due to my incompetence as a wife, mother, friend and daughter. I have always claimed with my mouth the promise, He will never leave me nor forsake me, and the promise that, He who created me knew every single one of my days before one of them came to be. When I am weak He is strong. I claimed that I am saved not by what I do but because of what He has done for me. I have stated time and again, that there is not one good thing within me apart from Him but praise be to God that His perfection is within me and His provisions are perfect. I claimed these truths with my mouth but my heart never accepted it due to the wall that I had erected. The wall that was erected to keep pain out was the stronghold that kept His love from entering in. I have always struggled with accepting His UNCONDITIONAL love for me and believing that no matter what comes my way He is with me and in me and equipping me. I have also realized that even as a young girl, I erected a wall around my heart to keep from feeling pain and rejection but this same wall has also been the stronghold that kept the love of others from penetrating to my heart. I have always struggled with believing and accepting love from others including those within my own family. A wall built to keep pain out but also the stronghold to keep God's unconditional love from entering in. OH how my heart aches. How it grieves God when we fail to accept His love as if the sacrifice of His only beloved Son was not proof enough of His unfailing love. Oh how my heart aches to think that my girls might struggle with accepting and believing in my love for them and on the same note how my failure to receive love from others must hurt those whom I love the most.
Lord, tear down the wall I have erected around my heart with your unfailing love. Just as the walls came tumbling down in Jericho after being encircled for seven days. May the wall built around my heart come tumbling down as I trust You by faith to do only what you can do and that is bring victory for your Name sake and bring down the fortress built around my heart. Only you can conquer the stronghold of fear and with song and shouts I will praise you in my weakness. May I praise you not only with my mouth but also with my heart and turn every insecurity over to you. May you use this struggle of mine to release the bondage of fear in others and bring healing and restoration to all those reading these words.
Reader, please overlook all the errors and forgive me for the rawness of this post. It is my hope that even in my rambling the Lord will use this post to free you from some of the strongholds built around your heart and use all of you to bring glory to His name.

Fear Not: Part 3 will be posted on Monday.

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